Once school's out, it's on like Donkey Kong.

Yes, I am lax in my posting.. but I figure I'd make that up to you by posting my favorite paper I've ever written.

This paper got me a perfect score in my college english class and is an in-class essay i wrote in 55 minutes. Enjoy!


Welcome to the Jungle
Humans are the dominant species in the Animal Kingdom. They have opposable thumbs which allow the use of tools, cognitive reasoning and problem solving skills, and an insatiable appetite for gossip. There is a beacon of drama and a vast wasteland of broken dreams, success stories, stellar careers, and human failures: Hollywood. The behavior of different types of Female Celebrities can easily be applied to behaviors of animals in the wild, whose actions are as varied as the animals they represent.
The “Serious Actress”, or Matronus-Oscarwinnum, is a graceful carnivore in the Hollywood Jungle. The Matronus-Oscarwinnum is deft in her handling of the Paparazzi Jackals, often tackling and devouring before controversy is aired. Much like a lioness, the Matronous-Oscarwinnum keeps a very tight circle of companions and only reveals her intentions right before she springs upon her prey; whether it be an overzealous interviewer or an Oscar-worthy biopic role. A perfect example of Matronus-Oscarwinnum is Nicole Kidman, who constantly handles gossip with grace and dignity, and is capable of maintaining a very private life while fueling a successful career. The Matronus-Oscarwinnum is the Queen of the Hollywood Jungle.
The ever elusive Paparattus-Cantavoidem is a stange species in the Hollywood Jungle. Much like a North American Deer, the Paparattus-Cantavoidem is a very beautiful creature that flees at the first sign of danger. Much like the deer, Paparattus-Cantavoidem is constantly a target for big game hunters shooting a risqué photo. This particular species is not as talented as the Matronus-Oscarwinnum, yet receives notoriety for its beauty and escape tactics. Elusive by nature, Paparattus-Cantavoidem still makes appearances in gossip rags due to the drama/controversy that hounds them like a drunken pack of redneck hunters. Being herbivores, the Paparattus-Cantavoidem can be seen eating nothing but salads and the like as they are obsessed with weight and self-image. Cameron Diaz is a classic example of Paparattus-Cantavoidem, especially after her break-up with pop king Justin Timberlake. Cantavoidem may try to keep her dirty laundry private, but the Paparazzi Jackals still manage to stalk her.
In more recent times, experts have discovered an abundance of a third species of animal inhabiting the Hollywood Jungle. Behaving much like a flamboyant peacock, Partyhardus-Notalentum are continually in the spotlight. Partyhardus-Notalentum have a tendency to portray themselves as stumbling drunk, having disdain for others of the species (i.e. “Frenemies”), being incapable of mature and responsible work ethic, and most often a displaying of her genitalia as a way of attracting an audience, the way a male peacock spreads his plume to attract a mate. Much like a peacock, Partyhardus-Notalentum serves no real purpose in the Hollywood Jungle other than to be an object of humor and ridicule. Harboring no defense mechanism, the Partyhardus-Notalentum constantly falls victim to the Paparazzi Jackals. More often than not, extremely embarrassing videos or pictures often surface displaying this species behaving in bizarre manners such as driving the wrong way down an L.A. Freeway with marijuana in the car, “accidentally” flashing genitalia at the Paparazzi Jackals, checking constantly in and out of rehab, habitual drug use, etc… and that’s just Nicole Ritchie!
Unlike other species in the Hollywood Jungle, the Partyhardus-Notalentum has a very define hierarchal structure. Their current Queen Supreme is Paris “Pay attention to me!” Hilton. Like the Queen of the peacocks, no other of this species is hunted or photographed more or under heavier scrutiny. Hilton is a constant target of celebrity bashers, for there are many jokes with “Parish Hilton” as the punch line.
People have behavior that seems abnormal, but celebrities are also just normal people with extraordinary professions. Being a media celebrity will most definitely cause otherwise normal people to behave in strange and abnormal ways that they would not otherwise portray. This leads me to believe that the Matronus-Oscarwinnum, the Paparattus-Cantavoidem, and the Partyhardus-Notalentum are a completely different species of human being.